Ekrem Çulfa Aile Evlilik Çift Danışmanı                  Tel: 0533 373 81 23  E-Posta:ekremculfa@gmail.com

All feelings in the name of love are gone. If you could see, they give so much importance and value to each other! But the definitions of couples about each other are always based on the adjectives of my child's mother/father, my best friend, my friend. Of course, it is important that you want to be friends with your spouse, but wouldn't it be absurd to try to marry your best friend?

We have many roles in life. We are all someone's child, brother, sister, brother, mother, father. We treat our child as a parent, we play a different role at work… Our customer cover is on us when shopping at the market. Our responsibilities to our sibling are different from what we feel for our child.

We become the bride or groom of a foreign family… Our law with them is different from that in our own family. When it comes to marriage, "What adjectives do you want to express for your spouse?" The answer to the question is usually more than one. A female client of mine, who will get married soon, answered this question as follows; “I want to be his wife when appropriate, his friend when appropriate, his mother and sister. Let him consult me ​​when he is in trouble, and I will take care of him when he is sick. Let me be the person he calls when he wants to drink and give away.

I want to be my wife's 'everything'." Well, great in theory, but is it possible in practice? When you are angry with your spouse, is it possible to substitute your wife for your girlfriends whom you would sit with and tug at? When you are angry with your boss, can your ignorant spouse give you the pleasure of sitting down and grumbling with your co-worker who has the same problem? What if you're angry with her mother? Should your spouse be the person you vomit your anger with, unintentionally, to slap your mother-in-law with the harshest words just to empty your mind? Of course, friendship is very important in marriages, but we don't try to marry our best friend, do we?

Because, couples accept the role of spouse for the other individual together with the marriage bond they have established. Although the role of spouse in the family is accepted by both parties, there are other roles that society imposes on spouses. These roles are affected by the environment in which individuals interact, their education level, the work of both spouses and their income. The fact that the role sharing is not realized at the desired level in the family where the perception of gender is dominant causes the spouses to experience dissatisfaction in this regard and to experience related problems.

Of course, it's nice to share a lifetime with the person you basically want to share everything with. It is good to get ideas from your spouse when you have problems at work, and to sit down and share your expectations from marriage with your spouse. But, one should not upset the balance and spoil the taste.

Why would you be your wife's mother? He already has a mother. If he wanted to live with a mother, he would have continued to live with his mother anyway. Okay, be friends with your spouse, too, but if he wanted to stay friends with you, he wouldn't need a marriage license anyway.

All these roles have a place in marriage, not absent. But don't confuse priorities. You are the first 'wife' in marriage. You don't have to be everything to your spouse, but you do have to be his wife. First of all, he needs to see you as a woman or a man. You have a private life, you have a private life. When other complementary identities come before the identity of the spouse, concepts such as desire, excitement and passion are overshadowed and are forgotten in time.

"I love my husband so much. He is my best friend. But I don't love him like my wife anymore" are so common that I come across them. In this, marriage at an early age, growing together and developing differently, as well as occupying the whole life of his wife have a share.

Doesn't it sound more right to be your spouse's favorite and most desired thing in his life than to be everything? Let him be his friends, his mother, father and siblings.

Let there be people with whom he drinks and worries. But when he returns home, be the person he wants to hug, laugh and have fun with. Don't be everything to your partner, but be the person you want to share everything with.

Married couples, remember, you are the 'wife' first. If you play your own identities as the leading roles and your complementary identities as extras, you can have a pleasant relationship.

What is Role Confusion in Family Relations?

As I mentioned above, couples are deemed to have accepted the role of spouse for the other individual together with the marriage bond they have established. However, the responsibilities of these roles vary according to the family models and life culture seen by the couples. What is meant as role confusion is not to define which tasks the male or female role should do in the current relationship and marriage, item by item. Job descriptions of spouses are more important than job descriptions in a workplace because the smallest building block of society is the family.

At the beginning of the most common problems; Ignoring the fact that the married child of the parents of married individuals is an adult individual, they continue to act with the thought that the person and their spouse are still a child. It can be said that they expect the individual who marries their child to accept this role as well.

Another role confusion; It is the way that mothers treat their sons or fathers' daughters (after birth) so close and privileged that they almost become spouses under the name of intense love. This situation is also undesirable in terms of the psychological and spiritual development of the child. It should also be noted that the grandchildren of grandparents are not their father or mother, but their grandparents. In addition, it is a big problem that they act over-protective and unruly tolerant towards their grandchildren, whom they name themselves.

An example of the correct role definition required within the family is as follows:

Mother: The person who is one step closer to the child in terms of care and love than the father, and who is primarily responsible for the necessary order of the house.

Father: Ruler, administrator, reassuring

Child: A family member who is expected to fulfill his age-appropriate basic responsibilities.

However, people should not assume each other's roles. Parents should not be in the role of mother, father in the role of mother, parents in the role of friend for the child or the child in the role of parent.

If you have any problems with these issues in your family or marriage, please seek professional support. You can contact me by phone on 0532 158 35 55 for information, session or appointment for the solution of the problems you experience in your family-marriage-couple relations.

We're getting on our nerves because of border crossing people. It is enough! We need to come up with a solution together.